There is a saying, “When you fall in love, you often become blind”. In the same way, when you are engaged in a conversation, it will be difficult for you to realize where to stop. You may not even realize the other person is trying to politely say or subtly signal that the story should end here (because it’s really boring).
There are three stages of talking to others. In the first stage , you are working, relevant and concise. But then you subconsciously discover that the more you talk, the more relieved you feel. Ahhhh, that’s great and less stressful for you… but of course not so much fun for the listener. This is the second stage – when it feels so good to talk, you don’t even realize the other person isn’t listening to you.
All humans crave to be heard.
The third stage occurs after you’ve lost track of what you’re talking about and start to realize you may need to pull the other person back into the conversation. If during the third stage of this monologue you subconsciously feel that the other person is getting a little nervous, guess what happens next?
Unfortunately, instead of finding a way to re-engage your innocent victim by letting them talk and then listening to them, the usual urge to talk more is to try to regain interest. their.
Why does this happen? First, the very simple reason is that all human beings crave to be heard. But second, because talking about yourself releases dopamine, the pleasure hormone. One of the reasons people keep gnawing is because they become addicted to it.
There is an effective strategy that can reduce addiction to the pleasure of talking. Those are Traffic Light Rules . Specifically, during the first 20 seconds of your conversation, your light is green: the listener likes you, as long as your statement is relevant to the conversation and hopefully serves the other person. But unless you’re an extremely gifted conversationalist, people who talk more than half a minute at a time are boring and often seen as talking too much. So the light turns yellow for the next 20 seconds—at this point the risk of others starting to lose interest or think you’re rambling. At the 40 second mark, your light is red. Sometimes you want to run a red light and keep talking, but in most cases it’s better to stop or you’ll be in danger.
Obeying the Traffic Light Rules is just the first step in keeping you from talking too much. It’s also important to identify the underlying motives of talkativeness. Are you comfortable just continuing to speak? Do you talk to clarify your thinking? Or do you talk because you often have to listen to others, and when you find someone who will let you talk, you just can’t help yourself to stop? Whatever the cause, it’s always important to be selective when talking to avoid pointless monologues that don’t affect your conversation or your relationship.
Also note that one reason some people speak at length is because they are trying to impress on their interlocutor how smart they are. If you fall into this category, realize that continuing to talk will only make you less impressed with the other person.
Of course, some people talk too much simply because they have no sense of time. If this is the case, the simple fix is to use a timer, such as when on the phone. You will get in the habit of stopping your speech when the light is still green or at least yellow.
Finally, remember that even 20 seconds of conversation can turn out to be very talkative if you’re just talking about yourself during the conversation. To avoid that, ask questions, try to build the conversation on top of what they have to say, and find ways to bring them into the conversation so that it’s a genuine dialogue instead of a monologue.